So, I know that the fervor surrounding the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon has diminished since the movie release back in February 2015, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Actually, I’ve been thinking about the movie almost every day, really every hour. I just can’t stop thinking about Jamie Dornan’s hot naked body lying on top of Dakota Johnson, sexually exploring the depths of her body while also exploring the lack of depth of their respective acting skills. The delicious, sexually deviant scenes are just fused in my mind. I’ve read countless self-help books, I’ve seen dozens of therapists, and I’ve even self-medicated myself with hard drugs like vitamin D and Pez candy, but alas, nothing has worked. I figured that the only way I could rid myself of these aberrant thoughts was to participate in a hardcore multiracial, multi-gender orgy, but my parents disapproved. Parents…am I right? Always destroying our dreams.
Recently, I began to lose hope and accepted that I would be a Grey addict for the rest of my life. Then it hit me, the only way I could cure myself would be to write my own sexual fantasy novel. So, without further ado, I present to you, 50 Shades of Maroon, a story by Leonard Von MeLiketoFuck. Enjoy!
WARNING: The following is a satirical, grotesquely written short sexual fantasy novel based on the global phenomenon, 50 Shades of Grey.
Fifty Shades of Maroon:
Jessica was 26 years old years old when she met him. He had dark eyes and a heavy soul. There was something about him that was utterly unique, though she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She was drawn to him and she couldn’t do anything to stop it. His aura pulled her in like a tornado. A hot, sexy, six-packed, mysterious tornado. Meeting him would change her life forever. It was destiny. This was the one she had been waiting for.
Several years prior to meeting him, before their hands would touch, Jessica had attended the University of Sacajawea, along with her sorority sisters of Sigma Tau Delta. She was a communication studies major, along with her best friend Alex. The two had bright futures, big dreams. They were millennials, ignorant to the harsh reality we call “work”. They were unaware of the crushing monotony of life and the utter despair of existence. After graduating, they both lived together in an apartment in uptown Manhattan. Jessica worked for a digital marketing firm while Alex was studying to become a nurse. They were best friends, two peas in a pod, two females, two human beings, two living creatures on Earth.
Only a few weeks prior to when his phallic instrument would enter her body, the two roomies had celebrated a friend’s wedding in Atlantic City. Clearly, their friend was a trashy slut. The trip had made Jessica reflect on being single, because when a girl celebrates a big, happy event for another girl, it triggers deep insecurities in herself. Jessica didn’t consider herself to be lonely, but she longed to find her future husband. The perfect guy that would be there for her, that would hold her, that would yell at the TV about sports stuff, that would talk to her about politics that she didn’t care to hear about. She wanted to find that special someone she could spend the rest of her life with. At 26 years old, she was already way past her prime. In only a few years she’d be 72, and by then she’d die single and alone. After the wedding, which for Jessica, resulted in weeks of utter loneliness and hiding deep-seated envy toward her friend, Jessica was losing faith. Little did she know that she would soon meet the “one”. She would soon meet Zachary Jebadiah Rodriguez Maroon.
The two met on April 22nd at a crowded bar in the lower east side called “Pint Kampf”. The “LES” as it’s called, is where young people go out and wait in line for 45 minutes to buy overpriced Budlights. Zach was by the bar with a few friends drinking an apple martini. They were smiling, laughing, and having a grand ole time. Jessica noticed him right when she walked in. She was nervous and too afraid to approach him. Alex knew her friend well enough to know what she was feeling. So she and a few other of their gal pals took it upon themselves to make the necessary introductions. Alex walked up to Zach and said something along the lines of, “Hey, this my friend Jessica, she thinks you’re cute,” embarrassing her roommate in the process. To which Zach replied, “Oh, that’s very nice. Well, let me buy you girls some dranks.”
Dranks is a slang term for drinks. Young people like saying it this way because it makes the entire premise of getting drinks with a female seem more casual. Zach asked Jessica what she wanted and she replied, “I’ll drink anything”. Little did Zach know that Jessica actually wanted a cranberry vodka, but she wanted to seem “chill” so she tried playing it cool. Little did Jessica know that Zach didn’t give two shits what Jessica wanted to drink and that he just wanted her to get drunk enough to consider having intercourse with him. After enjoying their beverages, the two mingled and danced for what seemed to be hours. When the bar was closing, Jessica and Zach stood in the middle of the dance floor, smiling at one another. She didn’t want the night to end, as she could stay here forever. He couldn’t wait for the night to end, as he was waiting for an excuse to invite her back to his place. The two promptly left the bar and hopped in a cab, together. Jessica was excited, she was going to spend the night with this enchanting hunk of a man. Zach was also excited, he was finally going to stick his penis in an orifice. The cab pulled up to his home around 3 am, and when they stepped out, Jessica’s mouth dropped to the floor. The cab had dropped them at an apartment complex that was famous for housing several celebrities. These apartments were worth at least several million dollars. They walked into the lobby. Zach gave a head nod to the doorman, which was to signal that he was about to get laid and that he just absolutely fucking kills it at life. They took the elevator up to the penthouse floor. Jessica could barely hold in her excitement. Who was this guy? How could he afford such a nice place? Was he a billionaire CEO of a major corporation? Zach opened the door to reveal his not-so-humble abode.
“Do you like it?” Zach asked with a devilish smile.
Jessica’s eyes sparkled with the reflection of the chandelier that hung above them. The apartment was gorgeous. There were at least 3 bedrooms, all with beautifully draped curtains. The kitchen was all expensive marble. The living room was something of a mix between 1960’s Madmen and a Bond-villain’s lair, funky, but tasteful. Every room had enormous floor-to-ceiling windows, revealing a beautiful skyline view of Manhattan. Above the fireplace, there was a giant picture hanging on the wall of two bears with red clown noses riding fixed-wheel bicycles. There was a train track set that rotated around the ceiling of the house, which prompted a “choo choo” everytime the train did a full loop. There were multiple stone replicas of the Kindlifresserbrunnen littered throughout the house. It was a beautiful home. The two stood in the kitchen as Zach got two glasses out of the cabinet
“Would you like a drink?”
“Sure,” Jessica replied even though she was more than sufficiently intoxicated for the night.
Zach poured two glasses of an expensive wine. He looked at Jessica and smiled as he poured the glasses.
“Zach, I have to ask, but what exactly do you do? How…”
“How’d I get an apartment like this? Well, it’s quite a story. You see, I was actually born in North Dakota. My parents were poor immigrant farmers. Growing up was hard, there were many nights we’d go without eating dinner. I hated living in poverty. So when I got older, I moved to Lake Superior. It was there that I met a millionaire copper tycoon. He invited me to join him on a ten-year yacht trek and while out on the high seas, he taught me everything he knew. When he died, I inherited all his wealth. Now I’ve met you. Now I have someone to share it with.”
“Wait, really? That’s incredible!” Jessica exclaimed, not realizing that this was the background story for the titular character in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s, “The Great Gatsby“.
“Nah. Not actually. This is my parent’s spot. They’re just never here on the weekends. It’s fucking awesome,” Zach riposted following a hearty laugh.
“Hahahaha, you’re so funny,” Jessica said while playfully slapping his arm.
“So, since you’re almost finished with your drink, do you want to take this to the bedroom?”
There it was, the question she had been waiting for since the aggressive rap music they were playing at the bar had ended. Zach reached out for her hand. Jessica gracefully accepted his with hers. Their hands now connected. Sparks flew everywhere. Seriously, a light went out in the guest bedroom. It was an incredibly dangerous situation, but both were too drunk to notice it. Zach escorted his beloved into his bedroom, revealing a king sized bed. “A proper size for a king,” she thought. When they got through the bedroom door, he spun her around to face him. Their eyes reflecting the gaze of each other’s eternal love. Jessica let a small smile appear, which Zach replicated. Zach slowly brushed her hair away from her face. He gave her a kiss on the neck and put his hand on the back of her head.
“Don’t be nervous,” he exclaimed with a sexy sort of confidence.
“I can’t help it. When I look at you, my head starts spinning.”
“That’s probably because you’ve had an overwhelming number of drinks. I’m surprised you can see straight,” Zach replied before letting out a disturbingly loud, but tasteful burp.
Zach’s way with words entranced Jessica, entrapped her in a glass case of emotion. Zach continued onward, kissing her neck and rubbing his hand across her back. They moved further into the bedroom. He closed the door behind him as they entered. As he turned back from facing the door to face Jessica, her mouth appeared next to his. Their lips touched, their arms wrapped around each other. Still standing, the two engaged in the old practice of Arabian tongue dancing. They continued kissing passionately while slowly creeping toward the bed. Jessica kicked off her shoes. Zach lifted her up and laid her down on the bed. Jessica sat back up and anxiously starting undoing his belt while he stood in front of her. She moved quickly, throwing the belt to the side of the room. The belt transformed into a snake and slithered off out of sight. Zach took off his shirt, revealing his belly button, an outie (ew, gross right?). Jessica looked upon his chest. She had never seen such a perfect body before. His stomach slightly protruding over his pants. The two slightly defined pectoral muscles. Thinly toned biceps that said, “I work out but only very occasionally.” It was the most beautiful dad bod she had ever seen. She stood back up to make out with him once again but he pushed her on the shoulder back onto the bed.
“Wait” Zach sternly reprimanded.
Jessica looked up, “What’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something Jessica. I get very rough in bed and I want to warn you in case you are uncomfortable with that.”
Jessica didn’t know what to say. She had never met anyone so direct and forthright before. It turned her on. Then again, so did green umbrellas and small monkeys wearing a hat and playing the symbol.
“I can handle rough, Mr. Maroon”, Jessica said while pulling on his pants, bringing him back towards her.
“I don’t mean hair pulling rough. I like it really rough. I can’t help it really. The man I inherited my wealth from, which allowed me to create my billion dollar holding company, would sometimes sexually abuse me while we were out to sea. It messed up my psyche. Now I have to do BDSM to compensate for my inability to deal with my emotional trauma.”
“What? I thought you told me that was a lie,” Jessica asked.
“Oh yeah. I did. Damnit I forgot about that. I was just trying to be like sexy and shit.”
“Well you were, you are. Let’s continue.” Jessica said while starting to unbutton his pants.
Zach’s pants fell to the floor. He stood there in his Calvin Klein micro boxer briefs. Great underwear, super comfortable. He looked down at Jessica, her clothes were still on. That was a problem. He pulled her shirt over her head. They continued to passionately kiss one another. His tongue pierced her like an arrow off the bow of a proud Iroquois warrior. His nails slowly dug into her back, descending from her neck down to her bra. He quickly unzipped her, uncovering size 34 B’s. Zach was hoping for more, but at this stage of the night, he was amenable to her average sized, but nicely shaped titties. Jessica, still sitting upward on his bed, put her arm around Zach’s neck. Zach immediately wasted no time, he ripped off his bed’s duvet, doing the same for her panties. She reached down in his underwear, his erect penis shuddering as her hand slowing stroked it. Both were now fully naked and exposed. As they zealously kissed one another, he massaged the lip things of her vagina with his fingers. He slowly moved his fingers over and over her clitorosaurus rex. She brought his penis closer to her baby maker. He reached for his nightstand and opened the drawer, taking out the King James Bible that rested inside. She looked up at Zach, his face was stern. Her mouth descended upon his private parts. As she started sucking, Zach lifted the Bible in his right hand above her. He whacked her in the back with it. Jessica knew this was somewhat strange, but still, she found herself deliriously aroused. Zach proceeded smacking her with the Bible as she continued giving him a beej.
Zach smacked her.
“You shall repent for your sins on the mountains of Sodom and Gomorrah!”
“The idle hands of the adulterer shall lay forth upon thy vessel of Satan”.
“Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, which feed among the lilies. Song of Solomon 4:5”
After like several more minutes of uneventful foreplay, she detached her mouth and moved further onto the bed. His penis soon entered her vagina hole, he finally stuck the landing. Jessica let out a sensual sigh. He slowly rocked his hips back and forth, protruding her body with his semen shooter. Back and forth, back and forth.
“Yeah! You like it when I do it like that?” Zach loudly asked her out loud with his voice.
Zachary started thrusting harder. “Yeah I’m going to ejaculate into your hole so hard. Just so fucking hard.”
“Yes, Zach, keep going. You’re going to cum so hard for me. Like really really hard. You’re going to cum harder than it is to raise one eyebrow at a time.”
Zach was pleased, “Keep telling me how hard I’m going to cum.”
“You’re going to cum harder than it is to get a good score on the SAT,” Jessica capitulated. “You’re going to cum so hard, it’ll make indicting a police officer involved in the senseless shooting of an unarmed black male seem easy. You’re going to cum so hard, it’ll become the number 1 item on the Moh’s scale of hardness.”
“So hard baby. So hard. Like harder than my boner. Harder than it is to…ok I don’t know what to say anymore but we’re fucking!!” Zach yelled at the top of his lungs.
The two did the sex for at least 14 more seconds before Zach let out a carnal grunt. Zach had shot his load. Jessica laid in bed, deeply satisfied. It was the best 46 seconds of her life.
“Wow that was amazing” Jessica proclaimed.
“Yeah, that was fun. Ight get the fuck out of my house.”
Jessica was puzzled. “You want me to leave?”
“Yo what the fuck I just say? I’ll text you tomorrow. It’s bed time. Sleepyville calling my name. Now leave, get out, it’s the end of you and me. Those are lyrics by JoJo, the greatest singer of our time. Ok night night!” Zach said before his head collapsed into his pillow.
Jessica looked at her sexual dominator. He was already sleeping. She gathered her clothes and left the apartment.
The next day, Jessica awoke to Alex sitting at the edge of her bed, gleefully awaiting to speak with her.
“So…I heard you come back at 5 am last night, what happened? Tell me everything. Did you have sex with him?” Alex asked her bestie.
Jessica sat up in her bed. She rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock. It was past noon. The memories of last night were still fused in her mind. She looked bashfully at Alex.
“It was a fun night.”
“Come on Jessica! Tell me!” Alex begged.
“Ok, it was amazing. Honestly, it was the best sex of my life. He’s just, like how do I say it? He’s just incredible.”
“Wow. I’m so happy for you. Are you going to see him again tonight?”
Jessica was hoping so. It was Saturday, another night to go out to an overcrowded bar. She grabbed her phone off her night table. No new messages. She checked again in an hour, nothing.
Seven weeks later, while the two roomies were cooking brownies, which apparently some people think is like a fun activity or something, Jessica’s phone vibrated. Jessica looked at her phone on the kitchen counter. It was a new message from Zach. It had been so long and Jessica had started to think that maybe he just wasn’t that into her.
She opened the text. It read: My place. 8pm. Pre-night out booty sesh.
Jessica was utterly relieved. He liked her, he really liked her! Alex and Jessica spent the next three hours deciding the perfect text to send back. Eventually, they came up with the perfect text to encapsulate everything Jessica was feeling at that moment.
“Kk” Jessica texted back.
It had become 8 pm and Jessica was standing in front of his door. Another magical evening of lust and passion awaited her. Another night of sexual awakening. Jessica could hardly wait. Zach opened the door, Jessica looked beautiful. Zach was relieved, as he had forgotten what she looked like and was hoping she was hot.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she replied.
“Meet me in the bedroom. I don’t have much time.”
Jessica obediently followed his orders and went to the bedroom where she quickly undressed, leaving on only her undergarments and took her position on the bed. Same place as the last time. Zach soon entered, he was already naked. He had on a top hat and there was a small bowtie tied around his genitals. Jessica bit the bottom of her lip, her cheeks began to blush. Zach walked towards her and put his hand under her chin, looking her directly in the eyes.
“Look at me,” he demanded. “I am the captain now.”
Jessica untied her present, meaning his ballsack. She began to fondle his marbles. Zach turned her around so that her gluteus maximus faced him.
“No, this time, we’re doing it from behind. I want your butt to face me because I like butts. #buttstuff2016.”
Jessica agreed and so Zach got into position. Zach opened the drawer and Jessica readied herself for her next Bible Studies lesson. However, this time, instead of a bible, Zach had brought out a scalding hot iron. Jessica was bewildered but eager to take whatever pleasurable activity was coming her way. Zach also got a recipe book from the same drawer and laid it down on the pillow in front of Jessica’s face.
“If you’re going to be my wife, then I have to teach you how to be domesticated,” Zach dryly informed her. Zach entered his bangers, beans, and mash into her salad bowl and began thrusting back and forth. Every time the iron swiped across her back, Jessica moaned in unison. As the thrusting continued, Jessica’s head collided into the headboard.
The fourth bang was the loudest. Jessica’s head hit the board so hard that she lost consciousness. Jessica entered a dream-like state, her head spinning and throbbing. The sudden brain trauma had changed something in Jessica. She started to ruminate about her current situation. She began to think that allowing a guy to iron her back and forcing her to learn a recipe for Chicken Marsala while being sexed from behind may be somewhat disrespectful.
“Maybe I deserve more,” Jessica thought to herself. “Maybe all women deserve more than being casted and treated as objects for men. A relationship isn’t about being dominated or submissive in the bedroom. It’s not about who is more powerful than one another. A relationship is about mutual respect, mutual connection. Maybe Zach isn’t ‘the one’. Perhaps the entire concept/idea of ‘the one’ is a ridiculous fallacy perpetuated by the media/TV for the purpose of packaging love in a neat, easily understandable message that they can then sell to an audience. It’s possible that the idea of ‘the perfect guy/girl’ is a romanticized social construct created to give spiritual meaning to something that is intrinsically dependent upon chance. Life isn’t a great journey to find the perfect partner, life is just what we make out of it. Giving love this hyperbolic, unattainable sense of meaning is actually detrimental. Destiny isn’t real. It may be nice and comforting to believe in that, but it creates a false perspective of what love really should be about. Love is a biological reaction, it’s a hormonal, neurological sensation heightened through evolution…and amplified by alcohol and drugs. The “perfect guy/girl” doesn’t exist because no one is perfect, but that doesn’t mean we should just settle for the first person we have a drink with. Maybe this dating thing isn’t as complicated as we make it out to be. No one has the answers and not every relationship will work. People should just live their life and be able to say yes or no without attributing dire consequences to their answers. It’s just that…”
As Jessica continued to ramble on, her head hit the headboard for a fifth time.
Jessica awoke from her state of supposed clarity and opened her eyes. Zach had just busted and was letting out an animalistic grunt while pounding his chest with his free hand.
“I am a god-damn champion!” Zach screamed.
As Zach got off the bed and headed for the bathroom, Jessica forgot what she was thinking about. She couldn’t remember the last few bangs on the headboard. She laid her head on the pillow to face the ceiling, which had a giant poster of Mel Gibson on it. She smiled and looked towards Zach.
“I’m going to marry him,” she out loud to herself.
And that she did. Only three years later, the two would marry in a ceremony in Connecticut. One year after the ceremony, they would have two kids, named Osama and Adolf. While Alex, the ancillary character in this story, went off and married a nice husband and moved to Wyoming, Jessica and Zach’s relationship began to fall apart. When their kids were 7 years and 4 years old, they filed for divorce. The fight for child custody turned nasty. Insults were lobbied and long periods of time were spent in court. Zach began seeing a divorcée, Jessica began seeing a marriage counselor. The years would pass and both would re-marry. Their relationship became less contentious out of respect for the children. The years continued to pass and the kids grew up and had their own grandchildren. Eventually, Jessica moved far away and so she rarely saw her family anymore. Both she and Alex moved to gated communities in Florida. Jessica died at the age of 84, her immediate family surrounding her. Three weeks later, her grandchildren went on a trip to Bermuda where they would engage in a raucous interracial orgy, and the circle of life continued.